Another new year, another failed resolution.

Hey Meredith, what I dismal title you have there. What happened to optimistic fun loving exciting expressive Meredith we have all come to know and love. Yeah that was a little boastful of me haha. Anyways, back to the title. In about 6 hours it will be a brand new year. 2015 will be gone and 2016 will be here. Let me tell you in all honesty, that I’m absolutely terrified for this new year. This has been the craziest year. (I feel like I say that every year ??) I graduated with a masters, moved to Shreveport, moved in with a stranger, got a job in a town I knew nothing about, made new friends, and bought a new car. Yeah it’s been a crazy year full of many big life decisions. I have no doubt this new year will be the same way, this is why I’m terrified. This was a great and fantastic and exciting year for me but it has also been such a difficult one full of much change, many trials, and a lot of struggles with trusting God. I don’t know if I’m ready to endure another year just like this one. Buuuuut I realize I can’t stop time, the new year is coming whether I like it or not. So, the typical thing us Americans like to do is make resolutions about change for the better. However, I hate making New Years resolutions because I always make one that is unrealistic and therefore fails miserably. Hence, the title of this post. But I want to make one anyways, and hopefully writing it for the world to see (or the 5 people that read this lol) will keep me accountable. I propose that this new year of 2016 I will not quit on trusting God. Even when the circumstances are so difficult I know God has a plan and purpose. Even when the circumstances are amazing, that I won’t trust myself more than God. I hope everyone who reads this blog will have the same resolution as well. We don’t know what will come in this new year. It could be extraordinary and amazing things or tragic and sad things. But no matter the circumstance it is easy to trust ourselves or others and question God. I pray that we don’t do that. But instead we have hope in the promises he’s made and rely on the knowledge that he holds true to his word. Thank you for that Jesus. With all this being said, I hope you all have a wonderful new year and trust that God is always faithful.

Anxiety, Dreams, and Everyday Life

Every once in a while I have dreams where I wake up in a panic. Sometimes these dreams are about bad things that could happen, or about things that happened in the past, or things I’m nervous about, etc. Every once in a while I have a dream that includes my dad and let me tell you, it seems so real. So real that when I wake up I am shocked that it wasn’t real. I’m shocked to remember that he isn’t here on earth anymore, so what happened in the dream couldn’t have possibly just happened in real life. But they are always so realistic…eating dinner with the family, throwing a birthday party at the house, etc. And when I wake up and accept the fact that it was all just a dream, I break down. I panic and stress and sit up in my bed in a state of awe and shock. This happened this morning. But these aren’t the only times I panic and stress in life. I’m known to be a stress-er, a worrier, a person that lets anxiety get the best of me. In high school and college I had panic attacks sometimes. And when I wasn’t having panic attacks, but I was still getting stressed about family or tests or papers or fights or breakups or the numerous things we go through in life, I would always feel a literal weight on my heart. And I would feel disabled from eating or sleeping or even thinking straight. This was me yesterday. I write all this to give a background of my struggles. The struggle that sometimes I cover up REALLY well. And other times EVERYONE and their mom can tell I’m letting anxiety get the best of me. When times like this happen I have to literally tell myself “Breathe Meredith. It’ll be okay.” And I constantly quote the common scripture about anxiety…Matthew 6:26, Philippians 4:6. But sometimes it doesn’t help. Sometimes I’m not really giving it up to God. I’m just quoting scripture and hoping all my worries will magically go away. But the thing is…I have to actually believe what I’m quoting. I have to actually give all my worries to him. AND HE REALLY WILL MAKE THEM GO AWAY. The problems might not go away, but the worries will. God has this perfect, amazing, and indescribable peace that he gives us. And in times like yesterday and this morning I have to remember to give it all to Him. Also, talking about struggles openly is hard. Especially when we live in a time and place where everyone likes to act like they have it all together. But the truth is, no one has it all together. And my hope is that someone struggling with similar things could read this and know that they are not alone.

Wanderlust

We travel, some of us forever, to seek other places, other lives, other souls. -Anais Nin

Or some other cliche quote about traveling.
I just spent 3 weeks traveling across half the country. A year and a half ago I spent my summer traveling across the world. I wrote a blog then about how my heart felt torn between different places because I felt so connected to them. Now I write this blog with different feelings. My heart doesn’t feel torn or overly attached anymore… it feels unattached, free even, with this desire to travel and visit new places and try new things. Don’t get my wrong, my heart feels impressed upon from each place I have been and from every person I have met. However, I just have no strings anywhere per say. My friends and family are scattered across the country. I feel pulled in every and no direction all at the same time.
At 22 I am a young college graduate who is about to have a masters degree, and have a real, grownup teaching job in the fall. I wrote the word “young” in that last sentence for a reason. I am writing this blog for a reason…if you keep reading you might understand… I find it so interesting that at 22, I (and many friends my age) find ourselves comparing our lives to others. Comparing our achievements or lack of achievements to others. YES. We live in the south, a place where by the time you graduate college half of your friends are engaged or married. A quarter of your friends are having babies. The other quarter of your friends are either starting a new exciting job or traveling the world to find themselves. And sometimes you just feel STUCK. Stuck because you haven’t accomplished any of these things. Stuck because you feel like you SHOULD have accomplished these things. And you start feeling old. Old…at 22…HA! It’s quite hilarious actually.
Well, I have news for you: Number 1… 22 or 25 or 30 is not old. You are just beginning life in many respects. And Number 2…I have not accomplished all these things I just listed…I have traveled a lot these last 2 years, though. And I have had many people tell me they wish they could travel like I did. BUT GUESS WHAT. Traveling the world, getting a job, getting married, having a baby, etc. doesn’t solve your problems. It doesn’t really help you escape them either. Sometimes we seek these things to have an end goal-a purpose in life. But if there is anything I have learned recently, that I hope I can convey to whoever is reading this, is that it doesn’t matter your accomplishments on this earth or when these so-called accomplishments happen, all that matters is Jesus. Trust me, I have searched and tried to put my hopes in other things (family, friends, guys, careers, traveling, things) and they all left me feeling empty inside. Even right now, as I have returned from my travels…I somehow thought I would feel satisfied and fulfilled from them. However, I don’t. I had tons of fun, but it didn’t leave me feeling fulfilled. What I need is Jesus’ directions. And right now that means finishing the school year strong and putting Jesus above it all. Maybe I’ll travel more in the future, I do love it. But now I know that even being a free wanderer won’t fulfill me-only Jesus can.

Things I have learned from student teaching

I like teaching.
High schoolers are funny.
Sometimes I have to explain things 5 different ways before someone gets it…and they still might not get it.
I am terrified of the printer jamming.
I still haven’t mastered the no squeaking thing when I write with chalk.
Expo markers have short lives.
I have forgotten a lot of simple math…whats 16 x 16? woops 🙂
People are people no matter what!
Everyone has struggles.
It is frustrating when students don’t get the material.
It is frustrating when you put your heart and soul into planning and teaching a lesson and they still don’t get it.
I can’t ever give up hope – I have to keep trying!
I dislike MathXL, MyMathLab, etc.
Apparently rationalizing denominators isn’t a thing anymore. WHO KNEW?!
Students forget everything from one day to the next.
Most of the students don’t care about math, dare I say hate math.
“D is degree”
Class outside makes everything better 🙂

Broken

This blog post will be short and to the point. Here goes!

One of the most dangerous prayers is “God, please break me”. It is a good prayer, but a difficult one. I prayed this prayer a while back and at first I regretted it, but now I am thankful. I have been struggling with pride, but God has made my life so chaotic that I have no control over it anymore. I can’t take credit over accomplishments and successes anymore because I have none. I am struggling each day to get through. This school year is a hectic one and it has barely even begun. There is too much to do and not enough time or sleep or energy. BUT all of this has given me an assurance in Christ. You might say that is strange, but I am having to truly rely on him every day for strength and courage and energy and motivation to get through it. And strangely enough, I am at peace. Yes, I am at peace. Because God always comes through. He shows his power through my weakness. God gets all the glory and I am okay with that. I am tired of being prideful and thinking I can do everything on my own. And yes, I wish life was easier, but wouldn’t that be boring? :p

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

My daily battle with pride

As I sit at my laptop pondering what to write about, I keep going back to the same issue – pride. The past few weeks have been amazing and wonderful and terrible and awful and hectic all at the same time. Why you may ask? What does this have to do with pride you may ask? Everything. I am a prideful person. I pride myself on MY accomplishments, MY dreams, MY hopes, MY success, even MY problems.

In May I graduated from college *squeals and jumps up and down* and it is pretty surreal. These four years flew by, but let me tell you they were not easy. There were many sleepless nights, tears, prayers, etc. And honestly without God I wouldn’t be where I am today. Yet I still want to claim success as my own. I still try to plan my life out and I get upset when I can’t see into the future. It’s all about me me me right? No. It’s not. God’s plans are always better than mine yet I STILL try to plan my life out even having witnessed first hand how God takes ashes and turns them into something beautiful for his glory. Yes, HIS GLORY. And when I say ashes in this instance, I mean my life – my sin. He has taken my sin and washed it clean. He still takes my sin everyday and washes it clean. I am beautiful in His eyes. Even when I look in the mirror and all I see is something unworthy of his love, He still finds me beautiful.

He has rescued me out of bad situations time and time again. He protected me. He helped me. He continues to do these things. So why can’t I just trust his plans? Not just His plans in my own life, but in the lives of the people around me. The people I love dearly. I am watching some terrible things happen and honestly I have cried out to God “Why are you letting this happen, you promised to watch over this person, to protect this person.” And when I don’t get an immediate result to my cries I get frustrated. I’ve been frustrated for a while now. But I have to realize that He is watching over us all and protecting us all. He never gives up on us.

While I have been sitting here frustrated about things going on around me- life circumstances I can’t change- I have been neglecting my own spiritual life. I haven’t been reading the bible near enough, or praying near enough. I have been making things about me and how God should cater to my needs and my wants and my desires. But deep down I know I’m wrong. I know I’m being selfish and I need to humble myself before God. But honestly, I am not ready to do that. I still feel stubborn and stuck in a rut. In a rut of wanting to be right despite the fact I know that I’m wrong. So I sit here writing this blog trying to decipher my thoughts and feelings. Hoping it will bring me one step closer to doing just that.

d4t s3n10r lyf3

I am graduating from college in less than a month. I never thought in a million years that college would fly by as quickly as it has. But it has been wonderful, and as much as I have senioritis and am ready to graduate, I am not ready to move on yet. I don’t want to move on yet. I love those stately oaks and broad magnolias. I love attending LSU football games where I get covered in coke and I lose my voice. I love taking naps in the quad and eating lunch by Mike’s cage. My 4 years of college have gone by too quickly and I encourage others to not waste it, but savor every moment of it.

Now as for what I am doing after I graduate, that is the question I ponder daily. I do not know yet. I have options, I just can’t seem to make a decision. How do I choose a career for the rest of my life when I’m only 21?! Frankly, I don’t think I can. I think all I can do is make the best decision for me right now and trust God. Ultimately, I believe my career itself doesn’t matter. My worth isn’t in my career or how much money I make or any of that. What truly matters is whether or not I am glorifying God in whatever it is I am doing. And that means working my hardest and to the fullest of my capability. That means sharing the love of Christ with whomever my fellow classmates or coworkers might be. That means leaning on Christ in the good and bad. That means living in a holy, honorable, and truthful way.

So for all of you out there worrying about your major/career take comfort in the fact that not only do I (someone graduating in less that a month) not know what I am doing after a graduate, but that our identity and hope is not found in a career. Instead, Christ is our identity, our rock, our savior. Good luck to those who are worry warts and planners like me. I feel your pain. But trust God, and all will be well.

“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” -Matthew 6:26

New Years Resolution

I guess it’s that time of year again. That time where we all reflect on the past year and make resolutions that we might or might not be able to keep. I’ve never been a new years resolution type of person, but I guess I’ll jump on the bandwagon!

I’m reflecting on the past year and there have been ups and downs like there always is. Here is a summary: I did summer missions in Africa and Mexico! I made some amazing new friends, but I also lost some friends. I gained a new family member (my nephew, alan marshall hughes), and I lost a family member (my grandfather). My mom moved to Tennessee. I stayed in Louisiana. I became a SENIOR:), but I had really bad senioritis. I finally picked a concentration to my major. I signed my graduation papers. I had to learn to like my roommate’s cat. Oh and I got an awesome boyfriend who loves Jesus!

That was the super short version of my year. For a 21 year old girl from Louisiana I would say I’ve experienced a lot of life. I have learned so much. God has taught me so much. However, I don’t want to leave it at that. I want to grow. I want God to continue to teach me difficult, but necessary lessons. And I’m sure He will. I don’t want to remain content in my spiritual walk. I want to grow and the only way that can happen is if I’m willing.

Here is my New Years Resolution list. Some silly, some not.

1. Stop eating those Marylee donuts JBC has every Sunday morning.

2. Read my bible every morning.

3. Pray continually. 1 Thessalonians 5:17

4. Journal twice a week.

5. Fill out job applications.

6. Workout 3 times a week.

7. Make all A’s as a full time student, because I still haven’t done this

8. Graduate.

9. Get a job.

10. Watch more black and white movies.

11. Set a budget and stick to it.

12. Read more books.

13. Go outside more.

14. Walk the lakes more often.

15. Sit and have alone time and meditate on life once a week.

16. Cook more. Eat frozen meals less.

17. Bake more, because I love it too much to not.

18. Serve in the community.

19. Don’t give up on people.

20. Love everyone.

We are constantly growing, and I want to grow into the best possible version of myself. The version that lives for Christ.

Those crummy days

When you wake up and it’s 7:55am and you normally leave your house at 7:45am for school, you know it will be a bad day. You just KNOW.

I showered super fast. Threw on some running shorts and a tshirt. Threw my hair up in a pony tail. Put on my glasses (because my 20/20 eye sight is unfortunately diminishing)  . Drove quickly (I’ll admit above the speed limit) to campus. And made it to class ONLY 10 minutes late. How I managed this one, I don’t really know.

Well, the day started out not well, not well at all as you can see. I went to my class, where I am admittedly a week and a half behind in homework, aka I don’t know what is going on at all. Then I’ve been trying to meet with a professor for another class for the last 2 weeks and he seems to never be available. So I went to his office after class, and of course he wasn’t there when he was supposed to be. Then I ran into a friend that commented on me “looking rough” and assumed I’d stayed up all night studying because I didn’t look my usual put together self. Not that I’m always put together, but this semester I’ve tried to actually wear the cute clothes I have in my closet instead of always wearing nike shorts and tshirts. But thats besides the point. Anyways, needless to say, this comment just topped off the already not so good morning.

So I complained. I pouted. I had a pity party. I mean, I deserve everything to go my way, right? Wrong.

I realized I can’t always change the circumstances around me, but I can always change my attitude. We are supposed to represent Christ at all times. Even on those crummy days. So I decided that was what I was going to do regardless of whatever else Satan threw my way. And you know what? Things got better. I was in a better mood, first off. I was finally able to meet with that professor. I went and studied and was able to mostly catch up in that class I was referring to earlier. It was a productive day.

A crummy day turned into a good day. Say what? Yeah God can do that! We are supposed to trust God in the seemingly minute parts of life in addition to the big parts of life. I can be good at going to Him for the “big” stuff, but when it comes to the “little” stuff it is so easy to try and handle it on our own. But don’t those “little” crummy days test our faith too? I sure do think so.

You are doing just fine…

So the other day I was talking to my neighbor about life. I was sharing with her how it seems like I can’t handle everything and I feel like I should be able to. I’m supposed to be a leader in my church and I should be prioritizing my time well, I should be able to be Christlike all the time, I should be able to handle whatever problem life throws my way. And she just said something to me that clicked. “Meredith you have been through a lot. More than most people have at the age of 20. It seems to me like you are doing just fine.” And I just realized, nobody is perfect. No one can handle the world by themselves. And she was so right, I am doing fine. But not because I can cope with things well or can balance life’s demands and problems well, but BECAUSE OF GOD. The only reason I am not depressed is BECAUSE OF GOD. I have often asked that question of “Why me?” Not understanding the reasoning behind why I have to deal with all these things out of my control. But they have caused me to rely on God more. Trust him more. And in return he has given me peace. He has comforted me. He has put amazing people in my life. So I say, no I’m not perfect. But thanks to God and his love I am doing just fine. Yeah days get hard, especially days like today where everything reminds me of my dad. Songs, places, activities, foods, etc. But I’m thankful for a God that loves me and puts people in my life to share my burdens with and pray for the struggles I’m going through. 

This verse has gotten me through many a struggles. 

So do not fear, for I am with you;    do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. -Isaiah 41:10

On a different yet kind of related note, tonight was our first bible study of the semester. I’m excited to dive into the book of Ruth with a great group of godly women. I’m excited to grow closer to each other and to learn to be more Christ-like and grow in my faith. This will be a challenging semester, I can already tell, but it will be good. I know God has great plans, and I can’t wait to see what is in store!